Weeknote 20

Fixed the discrepancy in my numbering system. Somehow I’d skipped ahead 2 weeks.

Here we are then at issue 20. Another week of not being sure if I’m going to write anything. But forcing myself to say SOMETHING.

What’s going on


I was off for most of the week, still not right in the head.

I tried to start back on Wednesday. I had some meetings and some catch ups. It felt...okay. Then I crashed hard again. The confidence fell through the floor and I was just questioning everything.

The good thing: agreed that I’d move to a 4 day week and put in a flexible working request. I should have done this from the start.

Thursday had no real meetings or things to do in my diary and the lack of structure sent my head spinning. I had a couple of gentle meetings with Kate and Stef. Both of which helped me to accept that I’m not ready to be back.

But I think what was really unmooring me on Thursday was the call with the psychiatrists. It was “just” an onboarding call but it still had my head spinning and worrying. What if they don’t take me on, what if they say no.

The call was fine. Of course. They gave me a lot of space to let me ask questions. I didn’t have many - I’ve talked to enough of my friends who have been through this that I had a good sense of how it worked. They asked me a few clarifying questions - around childhood trauma. Sometimes that trauma can display in later life like autism or ADHD. Pretty sure that is not the case with me. They also asked me how I would feel if I didn’t get the diagnosis I was expecting or if it was something else. That was a hard question. Still is.

I had to wait to find out if their clinical committee would decide to take me on. They said it would be Monday before I’d know.

Friday I had a lovely call with Emma and we both agreed that I wasn’t ready to be back. Another week. And I’d get in touch with my GP if I could.

I also had a call from the psychiatrist in the morning to say they were taking me on and to set dates for the 2 assessments. June!!

I also had a really fab long chat with Sam V on Friday afternoon, sat in the sun on my laptop, chatting shit. It was just what I needed.

What does next week hold?

A bit more gardening. I’ve got to move a number of fern and brunera and other things before the building work starts. I need to empty winter pots and get them ready for new plantings. And I’ve got some perennials to get in the front bed.

Bit of reading and chilling with the dog.

Going to attempt to get in to my GP to talk about being off work and to review HRT doses again.

Thinking about how I want to start back at work. How I want to structure my time and how I want to tackle the difficult client.


Dilys reached a month post surgery. She’s up to multiple 20 minute walks a few times a day. We’ve been going out a bit more. Mostly garden centres in her pram, with a bit of walking.

Saturday we went to Abergavenny and had breakfast out - her first proper trip out in a long time. She was a very good girl. And she met FOUR other wire haired dachshunds.

What I’ve been reading

‌Oh hai. I’m back.

Finally picked up and finished Kate Atkinson’s One Good Turn. It’s the second instalment in the Jackson Brodie series. Crime, detective, literary. This one set in Edinburgh during the festival. A host of unlikeable characters. Including Jackson becoming more unlikeable which I didn’t expect.

Not sure if I’ll continue with the series. Not sure how interested in troubled male detectives I am.

Up next, I’m going to try Yomi Adegoke’s “The List”.

And I’m going to dip in and out of Heather Corinna’s “What Fresh Hell is This” to remind me just how much peri-menopause fucks with us.

What’s blooming

I am pleased to announce rose season is starting. And it started with this beauty. Rosa mutabilis. What a stunner. Thanks to Sarah Price’s Chelsea garden last year for introducing this rose into my life.