Weeknote 19

Last week saw my head going to a bad place. That continued through my 4 day weekend. I was close to a panic attack several times over the weekend at the thought of work. Tuesday arrived and I just...couldn’t. Couldn’t anything.

It’s not the work. It’s me.

This isn’t a woe-is-me post. It’s not about sympathy. It’s just what’s going on for me in the hope it might help others and to say it’s okay to talk about this stuff.

What’s going on

Some of this is peri-menopause and my fucked up hormone levels. I am not having an easy time of it. Coming up to 50 is HARD. My brain doesn’t work the same, my body sure as heck doesn’t work the same, doesn’t look the same.

Some of this is the depression that never seems to leave me. Some of this is the anxiety that never seems to leave me.

Some of it is...probably something else.

Work and my new boss have been wonderful. I’ve felt awful about it. I’m not sick. I can move, I can do things, physically. But my head. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I’ve lost any modicum of self confidence. I’m past imposter syndrome into something I’ve been calling fraud syndrome

What have I done about it?

Unlike the bad spell I had last autumn that saw me in bed for weeks, I’ve not wallowed.

I’ve been outside. Sometimes digging (I will never forgive the Romans for bringing ground elder to these islands). Sometimes just sitting and watching the insects, listening to the incessant bird song. Sometimes just staring at the trees. Looking for the toads, newts, slow worms, lampreys, etc that all live in our relatively small garden.

Immersing myself back into nature, slowing down, is one of the few things that seems to make it better.

It all gives my head some space to stop. Focus on something else. Process.

I’ve managed to do a bit of life admin I’ve been putting off for a very long time (apologies to my accountant and others) and were starting to overwhelm me a bit.

I’ve tried to do a little bit of reading, my screaming head (the noise never seems to stop) hasn’t been the most cooperative though.

I don’t want to mess with my hormone levels again, that did not go well last time. And I don’t want to go back on to anti-depressants, they make me more anxious and I can’t take.

And I’ve put in for a private diagnosis with a psychiatrist to see if we can figure out the flavour of neurodiversity I think I’ve probably had my entire life.

That manual of life they gave out one day? Missed that. None of it has ever made sense. People, make no sense. Normal, makes no sense.

It’s been worse since Covid and the move to online working and away from people. Whilst I’ve really enjoyed not having to travel to an office and people all day, I’ve also struggled more and more with people, peopling and the nuances of human behaviour.

I kinda need to know how my brain is wired. I’ve always thought something was wrong with me. All the behaviours. All the difficult friendships, relationships, risky behaviours.

Maybe at nearly 50 I’ll get some understanding and some ways to manage life.

What does next week hold?

I’m going to dip a toe back in and see how I feel. I’ve got a chat with my boss on Monday morning to talk.

I want to use the opportunity to take control back of my diary. The 9 hour days of half hour meetings are not good for me (they aren’t good for anyone).

If anyone has any solid tips for taking back control of your work life, and stick to it, I’m open to ideas.


Wound is fully healed. Fur is starting to grow back over the scar.

Cleared by the vet today for a bit more freedom in the house. Fifteen minute walks, 3 times a day. No jumping.

Physio starts in 2 weeks.

She celebrated by jumping out of her pen this afternoon and trying to do a runner.

What’s blooming

This is a very spring garden and we’re in the weird in between spring and summer and the messed up climate.

The cherry tree is dropping big fat pink flowers on everything. The tulips are all done. The cowslip have finished.

The roses haven’t started but it won’t be long now.

I am particularly enjoying this rotted stump which has a multitude of things growing out of it. Possibly the biggest foxglove I’ve ever seen.